Getting admission to an Institution of higher learning can trigger a roller coaster of emotions; which may be a lot to handle. For someone like me that had been longing to receive an admission letter for two years prior, while I watched most of my friends picked their boxes and left for Uni, it was an acceptable next step. One with its own pressures as well. Pressures that sure came from what I “thought” was my friends’ expectation of me. Whereas, truth be told, no one really cared. But it took me a while to make my peace with that.

I had never imagined attending a Polytechnic, no, it was not part of the plan when I left Secondary School (High School) 2 years earlier; with 6 Distinctions and 3 Credits in my West African Examination Council (WAEC) Exam; I thought the top Universities in town would be competing to have me right immediately. Hahahahaha. I was wrong. I did not even get a chance to sit for the entrance exam until a year later – the Joint Admission And Matriculation Board (JAMB) exam was canceled in 1996, the year I finished High School. So many of us had to settle for whatever else came. A lot of my friends who were more informed at that time had sat for the JAMB exam the previous year, when we were in SS2 (Grade 11); but a number of us did not, and the consequence was losing that year. We moved on with our lives like nothing happened, and found alternatives. 

Mine landed me in the Polytechnic, where I had to study a course I never planned. I was troubled the first year. I questioned myself, self doubts rushed in like a wind. Getting admission should make you feel like cloud nine, a dream come through, but for me at that time, it was not quite so. A lot of the girls in my hostel were super excited about the new independence – every teenage girl (or boy’s) dream – but I was not quite as excited – at least not quite immediately. I have always been a “goal-getter”, self driven and ready to conquer the world; after all I left the house at the age of 13 to attend School of Science (a high school dedicated to studying science alone). The whole idea of attending the School of Science sounded crazy at first to my Mother, who could not wrap her head around letting her beloved 13-year old daughter live alone in a so-called private hostel. Somehow, with my eldest brother’s support, we managed to convince her, with the assurance that she could visit me anytime – after all the school had a private hostel. I had pitched the idea of attending a high school far away from home (at least that was how it felt at that time) to my Mother and Brother, I had survived in that school for 3 years with all the trials and triumphs (story for another day), I had aced my WAEC like a champ, I had planned to study Pharmacy or Chemistry or Nutrition, and I had planned ti graduate before I turned 23 – I had my life all planned – at least so I thought. But, there I was – in a Polytechnic. Not that a Polytechnic was not good, but it was not what I had planned.

And especially, how do I tell my friends that I am in a Poly. Talk about the many ways peer pressure shows itself.

For me at that stage of my life, the drive for academic success was huge. I had never failed before. I could not even imagine what it felt like to score less than a C in a subject – it was below me. Then, I wrote my first JAMB – when it was finally released a year after I had been home teaching the kids in my neighborhood Mathematics and selling groundnut and chips; I finally was able to write my long awaited JAMB – and guess what, I scored less than 200! How did that happen? Me? A whole me? I was beaten  – flat. I was ashamed. Ashamed to tell my friends my score. I could not. The thought of what my friends would say was killing me. 

Peer pressure could manifest in many ways in the life of a teenager. This is a subject that has been of interest to me.  And I am very excited to be able to share my thoughts, knowledge and experience on this important issue that is killing our teenagers’ health and dreams. There is the SPOKEN or DIRECT PEER PRESSURE, where one person (or a group) convinces, persuades, suggests or asks the other person to engage in a particular behavior. There is the UNSPOKEN or INDIRECT PEER PRESSURE that happens as a result of exposure to certain actions, like a way of speaking or certain language/choice of words, fashion or style of dressing, popular behavior in a group, etc. This is why it is important what to keep the right company of friends. There is the POSITIVE PEER PRESSURE which is seen as great, healthy and cool, and  NEGATIVE PEER PRESSURE which involves being asked or influenced to do something against a person’s values. Peer pressure is invisible for the most part, but it is real. Sometimes it is hard to fully understand what peer pressure feels, sounds, or looks like. The youth that is experiencing it may not even know, they just see that their behaviors are changing. It is even tougher for parents and guardians to know what their children are going through. How can you help a child if you do not know what the child is going through? There is a lot to learn by all of us parents, guardians and caring adults, to help the children and youth that we care about.

You see, my desire to get good grades, and attain my dreams was fueled by the positive peer pressure from the awesome students that I attended High School with. I am so grateful for that experience, it totally changed my life. The Schools that children attend can make them or otherwise, I think Parents should pay attention to this. 

However, the same good influence became the reason I was so ashamed when I failed my first JAMB, how could I have landed in the Polytechnic! It just does not fit the profile – so I thought at that time. It was like positive peer pressure gone bad!!! The need to continually be able to fit in and belong to the league of my smart friends almost crushed me when I could not get admission on time. And I know a lot of you my young friends are going through the same experience, yours may not be regarding your choice of school, it could be something entirely different.  Some kids feel their parents are not cool enough. Some feel that the neighborhood they live does not measure up to the standard of the friends they want to hang out with. And it is the reason many youth are sad, depressed and battling low self esteem today. 

I kind of sat absorbed in my own blue funk for a while. And my early days in the Polytechnic was anything but fun. I kept questioning myself, “what am I doing here”? 

So, how did I get out of that experience?

Some mindset changes had to happen first.

I had to tell myself the truth, I was not doing well. I am naturally a happy person – not that the situations around my birth or growing up were the greatest, but it was a decision I made at a very young age. I was determined to enjoy my life, to be happy, regardless of the circumstances. Even when my Mother had to run many jobs to take care of us, and growing up was tough and challenging, I was never sad. I would always control what I could. I would never compare myself with others, always satisfied and content with what I had So when these feeling started, I had to come to terms the truth. 

I was definitely not feeling like myself.

And it was mostly not because I did not get what I wanted yet – I have had several episodes of not getting what I wanted – and God always came through – or somehow He would provide alternatives – sometimes even better. No, it was not the fact that I did not have the admission I wanted yet, it was the the feelings of not belonging to where my other friends or colleagues were that was bugging me. 

Many of you my younger friends are looking outside of yourself for validation. What your friends say matter to you much more that your own personal values. Many of you have crushed your family values or even your faith because of what your friends would say. 

You should stop looking outside for validation. What your friends say should not matter to you much more than your own personal values. Please listen to your heart, and not the noise.

The reason many people are still in abusive relationships today is because they can’t imagine not being with a guy or girl; according to them –  it’s not cool. Everyone is doing it. Is it really true that everyone is doing it? I don’t think so. Actually, not everyone is doing “it”, so get out of the lies.

Fitting in is a big deal, but should you do that at the expense of your inner peace? How long would you keep running to be like others? 

If you do not deal with it now, it would be an issue for a long time – when “they” buy a new car – then you are in trouble. When “they” get a new job – then you are doomed. When “they” are married and you are not yet – then you will go hiding and be miserable.

You must decide what is important in your life, affirm who you are and what you want to be. And make your peace with the fact that you are running your own race. I had to do that.  I had to affirm who I am, WHOSE I am. I am not a failure – I have only just failed an exam. 

I also have to learn that the life of a man does not contain in the abundance of what he has.

My dear younger friend, you must remember that those who compare themselves with others are not wise. It is your race, not theirs. Do not allow peer pressure to drive you crazy and deprive you of the opportunity to enjoy today on the way to that desired tomorrow.